Are you an Angry Parent?

We hope the answer to this is 'of course' as everyone was born with the ability to feel anger. However, it is how we react to anger which causes most of our emotional problems in our lives.

Most of a child's emotional learning takes place within the family environment. The child not only learns how to respond to the emotions of others, but most importantly how to handle their own intense feelings. As anger is the emotion which most of us have an unhealthy relationship with, it is usually the emotion which a child either learns to repress or express in an aggressive way. What they learn about Anger in the home will usually affect their behaviour outside of the home too. Children may learn to repress their anger, maybe because the parent forbids them to be angry, in which case they may show their anger through sulking, crying or by withdrawing. In teenagers they may become apathetic or 'bored' all the time. Alternatively, they may express their anger in an explosive, aggressive way, behaving in an out of control or verbally abusive manner. As adults, we too can react to our anger in the very same way.
In order for children not to fear anger or use anger in a powerful way we as adults have a responsibility to have a better understanding of how we react to our angry feelings. At Manage Your Emotions we can help both children and adults do just that!
Our unique programme helps not only adults but children to understand the message of anger and through various forms of exercises we can help people to deal with their 'anger' in an assertive way, which is what it is there for.
We like to view 'anger' as a soldier of your own boundary. Its job is to keep you safe and will alert you if anyone hurts you in any way. Anger can help you set boundaries, be heard and gain self respect. However, its is not its job to hurt anyone!
Anger wants to be your friend, not your enemy.

Relationships and Fear

Most of us agree that childhood relationships have dramatic effects on our relationships later in life. Important experiences may form the core beliefs about life in general and painful childhood relationships can become prototypical for later life relationships.

One of the outcomes of a painful childhood relationship may be the 'fear of intimacy'. For adults this may mean a preference for short-term relationships which feel safer than long term or committed relationships. Other people may tolerate long-term relationships providing they are in control and keep others at a certain distance from them emotionally. Some people fear intimacy in any form, which can lead to a sense of meaninglessness or emptiness, or a futile search for 'happiness'. Fears of intimacy can stop a person from experiencing 'love' in healthy ways. Being in a relationship with someone who has a fear of intimacy can be extremely hurtful and emotionally draining. The recipient can suffer rejection, withdrawal and isolation. It is very difficult not to take these actions very personally.

If you are a partner of someone who suffers from 'fear of intimacy' or you feel that you may be experiencing this fear yourself, you may find our Manage Your Emotions programme useful to understand your behaviour and also the messages within your emotions. 

Living With 'Over Eating'

Eating Disorders are not uncommon in our society today. Over the weekend we were told that doctors are to unite to combat obesity and that UK women are the fattest in Europe. Of course, there are lots of varying factors as to why a person can be over weight, but it makes obvious sense to me that if the reason isn't 'medical' it has to be Emotional. To be clear, in this blog I am talking about people who are suffering from over eating/bulimic rather than those who are suffering from Anorexia and whose symptoms are more to do with a Mental Health issue.


When I see an over weight person I tend to see not their size, but their emotional state. My heart goes out for these poor souls who are so insecure that unconsciously (or consciously) have made their weight their barrier against their fears, their protection against life if you like. Usually, the most weight is gained around the stomach area, which is where your gut instinct lies. As society has a great deal to gain from instilling 'Fear' into us all it is not surprising that the body weight people accumulate can be hiding their fear of; not having enough love or money, low self esteem, inability to keep boundaries, feeling powerless, rejection, childhood traumas etc.

When I have counselled people who are battling with over eating, Anger, Resentment  and Apathy are usually the key emotions which are either raging or being totally repressed. But the next big emotions to look at are 'Shame' and 'Fear'. Sometimes Shame is too painful for a person to feel and they try to bury it as deep as they can so that they appear not to have it. Some people do a really good job of this and it is almost as though they are without conscience, but rarely is this so. In fact, most over weight people are extremely sensitive, caring people unable to keep their own boundaries and are over compliant. As already mentioned,  over weight people can be Apathetic (some say lazy), but this is nearly always because of repressed unresolved feelings of Anger and Fear.

Over Eating affects all the members of the family to some degree. This makes utter sense, as we learn how to deal with our emotions through watching how our parents/caregivers handle their own emotions. It can be particularly painful for the partner of an over eater. Partners usually feel really helpless in this situation and may plead with the over eater to get some kind of help. Indeed, some may even feel they are to blame for the over eating in some way. Those partners who have lived with the disorder for many years, hoping things would change, begin to feel Resentful, Angry and mistrustful in the relationship and this can cause them to become 'policemen,' waiting to catch their partner eating what they shouldn't (which will only fuel the fears of the over eater). This in turn can mean that the partner will become the 'abuser' telling the other what they should and shouldn't do (even if it is for the good of the loved one's health) and the other the 'victim' which is a rampant archetype in an over eater. So these relationships become a self fulling prophesy.

What is really needed here to treat this issue from the inside out and I hope the Doctors who meet together to discuss obesity really understand the emotional issues. Yes, bring down the cost of low fat food so that it is more affordable and deal with other external issues which contribute to obesity, but more importantly, provide emotional support  for ALL those who are suffering.

If you or someone you know is suffering from over eating, or if you are in a relationship with a person who has an obesity problem please take a look at our programme www.myenow.com for instant emotional help!

I would like to let you in to a little secret. When I see a client for the first time who wants Counselling I make sure I ask about the way they handle their Anger. What I have learnt over the years of being a therapist is that the way a person handles their Anger is usually at the root of most emotional problems.

I believe that Anger is one of the most hard working and misunderstood of all the emotions (other than Shame). Anger does so much for us, if it wasn't necessary in our lives we wouldn't be born with the ability to feel it. It is essential to help us build boundaries and to make us feel safe. Imagine life without Anger.... I have had a couple of Clients in the past who have chosen to live completely without Anger and whom I consider to be very brave souls. They had decided to live this way because they had lived with parents who used their own anger to abuse their children and hurt others whom they loved. As a child living with this sort of Anger Management you learn from an early age how to hide, become invisible, not to voice your opinion in case of violent reactions. You also become very skilled at recognising when people are feeling angry and either duck out the way, or allow the anger to bounce off you.

This behaviour can then lead to the belief that Anger is dangerous, it is painful and that it should not be shown. As adults, how do these poor people keep their boundaries in disputes, make their opinion heard, allow others to know they are hurt, or say 'no' or 'yes' to people assertively? How can they be 'real' with others? The answer is that quite simply, they don't. These lovely people use different emotions to come forward to help them when they feel hurt or abused. Fear, Sadness and Shame are usually the emotions which will volunteer for the job of protecting you when Anger is not allowed to do its job.

Unfortunately, these are the wrong tools for the job and does not usually promote change or can protect people like Anger can. The irony is that the parents of these clients were using their own Anger abusively because they were scared and vulnerable but couldn't consciously feel or recognise the other emotions such as Sadness or Shame.

People who choose to live without Anger are brave people because they are able to confront other people's Anger with numbness which can create space for others to consciously complain in safety. Indeed, one of my clients who lived without Anger was a Social Worker, working with Young Offenders who were often verbally abusive to her.

However, as you can probably appreciate, these brave people suffer emotionally in many ways. It can take a long time for people to form a new, healthy relationship with Anger. It is very rewarding when you can do this though. It is incredible how you can feel more peaceful and relaxed when you are can trust your Anger to protect you in an honourable way.

At myenow we can help you to forge a new, rewarding relationship with your Anger. What have you got to lose......your Anger?